Dear little pea
I’m feeling very nostalgic this evening. I’ve been watching a movie and some seem to affect me more than others. It’s made me think a lot about myself and everyone I’ve know around me and how much things change when you look back on it. You don’t realise it when you’re there in the moment, but skip forward 10-20 years and you see how much changes over such a small space of time.
You see yourself in different stages of your life and how you’ve become to be the person you are today. Creating a memory montage of my childhood bedroom in my mind and it’s funny how much you grow up and change.
Age 7 – wooden shelves with Enid Blyton books, ballerina jewellery box (complete with multicoloured plastic jewellery), my Cinderella castle proudly on display and not in the toy box, wooden bunk beds I had to share with my sister covered in soft toys and rainbow bed sheets, endless amounts of toys under the bed; Barbie, Disney etc. and Disney posters on the walls.
Age 13 – Karen McCombie and J.K Rowling books on the shelf, under the bed now replaced with random accessories, belts and hats, CD player now on display, bunk bed now turned single bed with floral bed sheets, Buffy The Vampire Slayer posters on the walls.
Age 16 – silver shelves with magazines on, make up and jewellery on display, decorated bed with lights and stickers, walls covered in pages from Kerrang magazine.
Age 21 – vanity dresser with make-up and hair products, speakers for iPod, photos of friends on display, four poster double bed with vintage print bedsheets, mirror on the wall.
You forget people and things that you once loved but that’s all part of growing up. You find new interests and meet new people and your personality changes along the way.
It hasn’t always been easy for me and my teenage years were probably the hardest as it was the time when I was first diagnosed with mental illnesses and I was still going through all these weird changes at the same time. Throughout the past 10 years, my mental health has defined me and had turned me into someone I didn’t recognise for a really long time. I’m obviously not the same weird 7 year old but who is?
Now at 25 I’m just starting to feel myself again. The crazy, weird, fun, hippy girl that I used to be before these “mental illness” words came into my life. I won’t ever apologise or feel ashamed anymore for having these, but I won’t let it define me either. It has taught me so much about myself and other people that I have a clearer view and has allowed me to be a more open minded person and see everything in a different light.
I’m scared that you might inherit these problems from me but it’s not going to stop me from trying to be the best mama I can for you. I know how hard it is and I always want you to feel like you have someone whenever you need it.
You’re going to change as you grow and although that’s not for a long time yet, time moves quickly and I hope you don’t forget who you are. If you do, I’ll always help you to find yourself again.
Your daddy did for me.
You’re now the size of a chipmunk! Your senses are quickly developing and your brain is beginning to coordinate with the rest of your systems including regulating your super fast heartbeat! If you’re a girl, you’ve already started to produce eggs in your ovaries but we won’t know that until your next scan 😀